entries
January 2, 2009
okay.
so this blog's probably potentially dead because the writer a.k.a. moi hasn't come up with any new chapters...YET.
plus, she's got PMR this year so don't get over-frustrated and go around mocking her with chicken names.
...
maybe not the mocking part.
i'll save it for my personal self-dramatism enjoyment later.
don't worry people,
i made a promise for myself to NOT quit writing this time.
so what the heck, i gotta continue with Passion (even though i don't feel like writing anymore).
nah, it's not gonna be another hanging-for-nothing blog.
cheers~
okay. THAT was random.
December 12, 2008
Chapter 3-Surprises
I didn't know what to say, or at least expect. Every single cell and tissue in my body froze entirely. I couldn't even blink, nor move a muscle. Nothing else was reflected in my irises except for a crowd of people getting up from their seats, cheering me on, screaming my name out loud, like a bunch of crazy fans. Some even wore "I Love Ebony" t-shirts and even held up cardboards with the words "Ebony Rocks My Socks" in glitter and glossy paper on them. One even managed to catch hold of my right arm, screaming for me to sign my autograph on her cleavage. I freaked out and yelled "Aaaahhhh!" as I squeezed through the whole population (well, a 'bunch' is just not the right term for it) of paranoiacs and ran towards then exit. My mind felt worse than being chased by a thousand hellhounds. "Save me, Superman! Save me!!!" I screamed, imitating Lois Lane.
Right, cut off the drama. That was purely nonsensical, wasn't it?
The truth is, that was just my over-imaginative imagination. Sometimes, I felt unreasonably bewildered because of it, but it's not like I was schizophrenic or something. I can tell what's fake and what's real doubtlessly.
The REAL thing that happened was that the crowd applauded very loudly and it seemed that they had got nothing better to do than kept on applauding for every single agenda that day. They sounded more like computer-programmed robots than humans to me. Well, except for one. I could practically hear Addie's voice screaming "Go Ebs! You rock!" which sounded like she's screaming right beside my ear though she's actually seating quite far behind. I squinted my eyes and waved at her lightly.
For still not believing that I had won an award, the girl beside me had to push me up to the stage to receive it. Me, still being my blur self, looked behind with completely lost eyes until the luminous spotlight shone through and blinded my eyes for a second. I almost tripped while going up the mini staircase again, thanks to my clumsiness. I shook Mr. Joe's hand, bowed down a little when I received my prizes, and smiled nervously for the camera.
At that moment, I didn't feel nervous anymore. I felt like a star of a show. After exchanging many 'thank-yous' with the 'congrats' from crowd and Mr. Joe himself, I ran and hugged Addie straightaway. I smiled and screamed and shouted like I was at the top of the world, and I knew that the luck and miracle angel had nothing to do with this. It was self-determination that brought me here, brought me up to this very stage and saved me a space in the spotlight for once! My insecurities, they were all gone as tears formed behind my eyes and streamed down my cheek. On that very moment, I started believing in myself, for that I could shine like everybody else! And that very particular but special part me of that made every living dream possible was none other than my passion for music.
x x x
I hugged my mum as I reached home, holding the certificate in one hand.
"Mom! I did it! I got a DISTINCTION for Grade 8!" I said as tears swelled up in my eyes.
"Congratulations darling! I'm so proud of you. And what are these?" she asked, jerking her
thumb on the trophy and RM3, 000 cash.
"Ohh, those. My prizes for getting the best results."
"Splendid! Now, you don't have to complain about not having enough pocket money anymore.
You could even buy me an LV Palarmo GM for my birthday." she joked.
"Your birthday? Aww, c'mon mum. Why do you always have to mention about LV? Didn't dad bought you Coach from the US already?" I grunted.
"All right, all right. It's just a joke. Hurry up and bathe now."
"Now!? So early!? It's just 12.30 in the afternoon. Can't I just laze around for at least 5 minutes and watch TV or something?"
"Well," she said with her lips twitched up in consideration, " No."
"But-"
"No 'buts'!"
"Fine. You're the mom." I rolled my eyes.
I sighed and moaned my way up to my room. It's darn pink, and I had it since I was a little girl.
It had this cute fairies' wallpaper border on it, and my mum wouldn't get me a new one, more suitable for my AGE, even if I ripped it off myself and demanded for a new one. Too bad, I wasn't rebellious enough to act that way.
I lied down on my bed with my face against the bed, which seemed like I fell off the ceiling while trying to be Spiderman and landed flat on my face. I lifted my head up for a minute, as I needed to breathe. I turned myself over and looked at the blank ceiling.
It had been a great day, with all the adrenalin rush and nerve-breaking situations. It's not that I was boasting about myself or anything but, I couldn't deny that I was actually pretty talented in music. I mean, after all these years, I couldn't say that I didn't have any talent at all, could I?
I shifted my attention to the bright pastel pink curtains, projected by the bright afternoon sunshine. After lying on the bed for 5 minutes, I got up and opened the blue mini-sized drawer from my mini-sized cupboard. The sweetness of the scent of the honey melon scented candle appeased me as I inhaled deeply. That particular candle had been inside my drawer for like a month already. It was actually a present from Jake, sort of an appreciation gift; but I never thought of throwing it away, together with all the other things (love letters, a mug, some keychains made for couples) he gave me. Maybe it did mean alot to me after all .
But it just seemed to me that every time I pulled a face and tried to dump it into the dustbin,
my conscience held me back; telling me it's not the right thing to do. I didn't have to wonder why it appealed so obviously that I was torn between my heart and my mind.
Of course, on the contrary, they could never co-exist. Don't ask me why,things were just practically that way. The only reason for all this to happen is that I still missed him. I missed him, no; I missed him so much that I even questioned my own sanity right after the breakup.
During the early post-breakup period, I couldn't sleep well. I couldn't swallow the food I chew and I couldn't focus on my studies. I felt so...unalive all of the sudden. My parents realised this but I denied everything they asked, trying to cover things and defend Jake (for heck I didn't even know why did I do that for). My friends said they didn't even know me anymore, like I've became so morbid and stuff.
Few weeks later, I managed to pull myself back to reality and realised that the love I had ain't
coming back. Everyone was glad that the cheerful Ebony they knew had came back. I was so happy with myself for completely letting go of things Jake and I used to be, or at least I thought so.
I took a quick shower and went downstairs. I grabbed the TV remote control fast enough so that no one could get hold of it.
"At last! The TV is all mine, mine mine!'" I thought cheekily to myself.
Then, i overheard my mum talking on the phone.
"Uhuh. Yeah. Sure. It's only Math's, right? Ok. I'll tell her. No, no, no. She's free. Yeah, sure. Thanks a lot. You take care too, bye."
"Mum, who's that?"
"It's Mrs. Lee. I told her I was looking for a better and more comprehensive Math's tuition for you. And Mrs. Lee called up to tell me that she has found one already. I told her that you will join the tuition after your exams are over."
"Oh I see. Right," I shrugged and walked away, as if I wasn't really bothered by that.
"By the way, you're not alone, sweetie. Jake's there too."
"WHAT!?!? JAKE LEE IS THERE!?!?" my eyes widened up with great shock.
"Yes, he is. Why? Is there anything wrong?"
"MOM! I-nevermind." I held my frustration as hard as I could.
I swallowed hard and let out a deep sigh. "Right. I'm in for more awkward situations."
November 8, 2008
Chapter 2-Stringendo's
The lady at the counter greeted me warmly. She had this weird, funny crooked smile like she's suffering from some kind of dental disease. I used to hold my breath and smiled politely, and as I got past her, I'd start laughing like an idiot. Mean, eh?
Stringendo's had not changed much since the last time I came, which was exactly 3 months ago. The floor's still dusty (sorry to say, Mr. Joe), the air-conditioning's still so freezing cold, and the window panes, still neon blue as ever. Mr. Joe put me on 'vacation', because he thought I deserved some quality time to relax after my exam. Frankly, I took too much of advantage of my 3-month break use, as I never bothered to touch even a single key on my piano. If Mr. Joe found out about this, he'd never give me post-exam breaks anymore.
As I took off my sandals, I heard a familiar voice calling my name. I lifted my head slightly upwards to see who was that.
"Ebony! You're finally here! Mr. Joe was wondering where you are and I was so worried that you can't make it here today because he said you might be going outstation and then I'll have to keep your slip for you and I-"
That's Adeline. Adeline Mary Tham. I preferred calling her Addie for short. Her complexion's ten times fairer than mine, and she's quite petite; like a life-sized china doll. She's two years my junior, but that didn't make much of a difference between us in terms of skills and ability though. She's an extremely skillful violinist, no joke about that. About one month ago-in conjunction with the Mid-Autumn Festival-us chinese most preferably called it, the Lantern/Mooncake Festival-Addie performed Mozart's 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik (KV 525)' as the first violin, accompanied by the Petaling Jaya Youth Chamber Orchestra a.k.a. the PJYCO.
"-but Miss Sandra said that you wouldn't be here till tomorrow so I thought of calling you tomorrow night, but I'm afraid that I might forget so I was about to give you a call just now but before I could, you're here already."
Oh, I forgot something about Addie. She tended to babble a lot and elaborate things very, very fast, like a tongue-twisting machine. Some people who hadn't hear her speaking for the 1st time tended to have their jaws dropped wide open like a big fat O. It always took me about a minute or two to understand her as I didn't have super-speed hearing. But Addie didn't really care about that, she's pretty cool about things though. I finally spoke up after staring at her for a long while as she spoke.
"Right, thanks Addie. So how's life for the past few months?"
"Great! UPSR-a compulsory school exam young students sit for at the age of twelve before entering middle school, FYI again if you don't already know-was easy, especially Science and Maths! The questions about shadows came out for Science paper 2 and it's easy as I thought it was. Luckily my Science teacher has already given my class intensive exercises thoroughly and I felt confident answering them," she grimaced, ear to ear.
"Wow! Lucky you. When it was my year, Science was the most nerve-breaking paper. They asked about the preservation and conservation of animals and plants and I didn't really get the hang of it though."
"Nah, it's okay. You aced it perfectly, didn't you Miss Smarty Pants?" she nudged me.
"Well, yeah. Everything's going to be fine. Chillax Addie, you'll get straight A's for sure. I bet your study for 4 months will pay off somehow, Miss Smarty Pants N0. 2." I teased her light-heartedly.
"I hope so," she managed a weak smile.
Addie and I chatted out way through the hallway. Amidst the crowd, I saw Mr. Joe noting something down from the buletin board with a pen-feather-a quail's one, actually-and a piece of paper he's holding. He's the only music teacher I've ever known in my life that used a bird feather as a pen. Traditional yet decent. When he was done, he cleaned the pen-feather with a piece of tissue paper and slipped the pen-feather back into his pocket. His looked up and his creasy eyes were probably searching for a particular person in the crowd. It could be me by any chance, just like what Addie said about him wondering where am I just now. His face turned on a frown and sighed. Then, he turned around and walked away.
"Mr. Joe! Hey, Mr. Joe! Wait up!" I called out.
He didn't even realise that I was calling his name. Maybe because his hearing wasn't very good anymore. I mean, he's already 58 years old, more like my grandpa. People all around him, such as music teachers, students, workers, etc all showed great respect to him like he was their "sifu"(master/teacher in Chinese). Well, he was my "sifu" in music.
I caught up with him and Addie trailed behind me, telling me to slow down.
"Mr. Joe!I'm. Here. Already," I said as I panted breathlessly.
"Oh, hello Ebony!"he exclaimed. "I thought you couldn't make it today. So how are you?"
"I'm fine. Thanks. Actually, my mum cancelled the trip so that I can get my results today. It's more important than travelling anyway. I wouldn't want to miss it," I explained, trying to sound as sincere as I could.
"Indeed, it certainly is, young lady. Well, since you're here, I think we can start results giving ceremony already. Oh my, it's already past nine-o-five. We must get ready quick."
"But, but, but-" I hesitated.
"Yes?" he raised an eyebrow.
"Oh. nevermind. I was just expecting it not to be so soon. I was kind of...nervous, actually."
"Just get the hang of that, won't you? And Adeline, would you mind showing Ebony her seat in the hall? Just incase she doesn't know where is it."
"Sure, Mr. Joe," replied Addie, whom I didn't realise was beside me all the time if she hadn't say a word.
"So hurry along now girls, time wait for no man; or girl," he joked.
Before I could even truned around, Addie grabbed my right arm and marched out of the hallway like an FBI agent which has just caught a dumbfounded terrorist red-handed. She marched into the hall, still grabbing my arm as tiny laughter and chuckles behind us juggled by.
"Is proper seating even necessary?" I asked her.
"Yes, because we'll all be called upstage according to our names and grades and Mr. Joe wants to assure that it's in the correct order, just incase if anyone got lost in their line or step onto each other's foot while trying to make their way to get their results on stage," Addie explained patiently.
"What!? On stage!? That means there will be photographers then?"
"Oh, yes. But they will only take pictures of those that did very well in their exams, like getting a distinction or something."
I was relieved when I heard that. I would never get a distinction for my Grade 8 Practical, so I ain't got to worry about that. As we entered the hall, I saw people arranging the microphone stand and projecting the lights. Addie made her way to the very front of the seating area, and kindly showed my seat, which is the 3rd row from the front stage. She then took her seat as well, which was 2 rows behind me, diagonally to my left.
Music students started coming in, a whole bunch of them. The younger ones like 4 to 8-year-olds sat in the 1st row, and the older ones like me occupied the 2nd and 3rd rows. My heart was racing and my palms were sweating. Gosh, I guess I was a little too anxious about it.
Then, Mr. Joe came in with Ms. Sandra by his side, carrying a stack of comment sheets. I couldn't bear to look at them, so I tried to distract my thoughts by looking at the neon pink lighting up on the ceiling. It was less than 5 minutes later that I heard Ms. Sandra's voice on the mike.
"A very warm welcome to the wonderful teachers, and our beloved music students. A very good morning to you all. As we all know, today's the day when young students will collect their exam results for the practical exam held in PJ Hilton for the past 3 months. Now, please be seated immediately as our head, Mr. Joe Lau is about to give a short speech. Thank you."
The audience applauded as Ms. Sandra passed the mike to Mr. Joe.
"Thank you, Sandra. Once again, a very good morning to the spectacular audience here today. I don't know that so many of you can make it to this remarkable event today. But first of all, give yourselves a big applause as you all have done well in your exams."
The audience applauded again, louder than before and cheered as Mr. Joe spoke.
"Alright. We all know that music exams are very important. They resurface your ability and how well can you interpret a certain piece of music. But learning music isn't all about sitting for exams and acing them. It's a lifelong journey one must embark on with. Many parents thought that learning music is just a hobby or pastime for their child, and also to prove to them that they can be talented musicians if they get a merit or distinction for their music exams. But seriously, what's the point if you got a distinction for an exam but yet you don't even know how to pronounce Chopin's name properly? Isn't that a shame? Therefore, the passion and love for music must be there if one wishes to obtain a diploma, a degree, a masters', or even a doctorate. For me, I study music as my profession because of the love I share for it, not just for the sake of earning money. Nonetheless, I hope you all, young aspiring musicians will continue to do the same thing as I do. And once more, a job well done to all of you. Thank you."
We cheered on and applauded loudly as Mr. Joe finished his speech. Ms. Sandra silenced us and Mr. Joe started calling our names to go up on stage one by one and collect our results. I could feel the adrenalin rush inside my heart as it thumped harder every second. It always happened everytime I was about to get my results or something. Nausea, I guessed.
I tried to calm myself down as much as possible.
"Relax, girl. Relax. You're going to be fine. Just calm down. Just calm-"
"Ebony Ma,"Mr. Joe's voice rang shrilly on the mike.
I got up, and headed to the stage. I tried to be extremely careful on the mini staircase leading to the stage so that I won't make a fool of myself incase I tripped on in. I smiled sheepishly as I shook Mr. Joe's hand and received my results slip. He gave me a warm smile and I hurried down the mini staircase back to my seat.
As the others were already opening and looking into their slips, I wasn't dare to take even a slight peek into it. Various expressions were spreaded in the hall that very moment. Some very smiling with joy, but some were teary-eyed and had their faces buried in their hands. Some of them even remain calm as if their results didn't really bother them that much. As for me, I planned to open my slip when I got home later.
Dozens of eyes were shifted back to the stage when Mr. Joe started speaking again. He cleared his throat and starter speaking again.
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; this year, I would want to present a very special award to whoever that has done very well in their exams, practically and theoritically. He or she will receive RM3,000 cash and a trophy.
I was yawning and shifting my seat as I couldn't wait to get out of that hall, until...
"With great honour, I shall present this award to our youngest pianist to ever finish her student grades-all 8 of them-and move on with diploma, Miss Ebony Ma!"
My mind went completely blank that very second.
October 27, 2008
I couldn’t help but sigh as I watched the little red hand of my watch ticking slowly, indicating every second that passed by. Leaning back onto the backseat of the Toyota Camry, I began daydreaming again.
I had always wished I'll never have to grow up and be a woman. One of the many reasons I had in mind was that I hated going through puberty, literally. I found the monthly menses to be quite...troublesome, like the part where girls have to worry about leaving blood prints everywhere subconsciously. If your monthly menses is unpredictable and you’re not wearing a sanitary pad or tampon, you may end up with blood-soaked panties. Okay, drop the subject. It is always icky talking about this. I know it's general but gross much?
I wanted to be a little girl forever, and never age. But humans are no Peter Pan and we will all have white hair and wrinkles one day. That's not what I care the most about growing old. The ups and downs in life are certainly not something that people usually forget about, but it is something I'd love to get away from sometimes. Daydreaming is my favourite hobby, other than watching television or playing MMORPGs’. When I was young, about the age of ten, reality was my deadliest enemy. I wondered why is reality so harsh-harsh enough to make someone like me feeling so suicidal perpetually. Where is fantasy? What about fairies and elves and princesses and unicorns? I often thought to myself. As I grew older, I became aware of this activity called ‘daydreaming’, and no doubt, I indulged myself in it not long after.
When I turned 13-just like what I had predicted-life weren't the same for me anymore. Exams and boys-I’m a pretty much carefree person-they were all one big major headache. Acing school exams weren't actually a big deal for me, but studying for them was indeed. Proof?
Put yourself in two situations.
1. Lock yourself in a room for 5 hours straight with a pile of books weight 3 kilograms and 18 inches tall-no snacks, no going to the loo unless you can memorise your entire History text book, no TV, no radio and no texting your friends.
2. Only having two books to revise on, you can eat and go toilet and watch TV and text your friends whenever you like.
Which situation will most probably make you go crazy? Situation no. 1.
Now, get what I mean?
Next subject, boys. I had lots of experiences with boys, and believe me, they're all bad-well, at least about 99% of them were. I had crushes on more than 10 boys, liked 5 at the same time, dated 3, and a couple of ex-boyfriends. My past relationships never went smooth enough for me to even kiss a guy on the cheek or receiving a stalk of rose on Valentine’s Day. So much for dating and relationships.
Jake Lee was my most recent ex-boyfriend. After 3 months, we broke up based on some inexplicable reasons, or shall I say, excuses. His mum eventually found out about us because he laughed so loud on the phone late at night and she could hear him, and also because he couldn't stand the 'pressure' being my boyfriend. Eventually, time healed everything. I was kind of glad that we broke up, I mean, who needs a jerk like him anyway?
Half of my entire life was dedicated to music, which means the rest of my life will also be dedicated to music, how predictable. Music was my everything-my hopes, my dreams; and most of all, my passion. When I was 5, my mum sent me for piano lessons at the Yamaha Music School. Timid and shy, I hid behind my mother’s skirt every lesson whenever the teacher greeted me or I was asked to play on the piano. Even my mother wondered if she should take me to the psychiatrist because I seemed to develop some kind of phobia. One day, my classmates started calling me 'red apple' because of my flushed red cheeks and since then, I stopped being so afraid of everything and showed some enthusiasm in class.
Miss Iris was a very nice teacher. She was rather short and plump, and Matt-a rascal in my class-called her a fatty. She spoke in this high, squeaky voice, so we chanted ‘Minnie Mouse! Minnie Mouse!’ all the way back home after class.
By the age of 7, I could already identify various chord progressions and sing according to pitches. A music student's biggest mistake was to sing out of pitch, so I've always worked hard to maintain my voice and learned not to stretch it to an extent that I couldn't. It could result to serious embarrassment, only if one sang out of tune. I also got to improvise on melodies, which means using the proper chord of a certain progression, depending on the variation pattern(s) suitable for the passage. It may seemed like an easy job for a musician at my age or older, but for a seven-year-old, it certainly was pretty much of an achievement.
Then, I picked up ABRSM, the Associated Board of Royal Schools of Music. It was very different from Yamaha (which focuses more on hearing ability and harmony), as it emphasizes more on scales, skills and techniques of playing, and of course; the knowledge about music. My parents had invested about RM 600,000 within 9 years for me to study music. They often said that I was ‘throwing their money into the drain’. So, I had to study very diligently to prove them wrong.
The screech of the car brakes cut me off my thoughts. Curious, I peered out of the window. In a split second, I went hysterics at the sight of a very congested traffic. What’s worse, it's already 8.57am. I definitely couldn't make it to Stringendo’s on time and Mr. Joe was so going to murder me when I was asleep.
Then I did the craziest thing in my entire life. Panicked, I said goodbye to my dad-who looked at me with a bewildered expression, stepped out of the car in the middle of the jam, and ran straight towards the academy. Dad’s eyes were probably bulging out of their sockets infrutaringly. I’ll settle down my punishment at home later, I thought to myself. It's just a 200-metre distance from the traffic, so it's not that far either. My legs kept on carrying myself despite the slight headache I got since this morning, and the honking of the car horn wasn't making me feeling any better.
Almost out of breath, I reached Stringendo's Academy of Music. I let out a loud sigh of relief, ignoring the glances of the passersby' as I panted breathlessly. My heart was still thumping non-stop and I could feel my cheeks red from running. "Breathe, Ebony. Breathe." I reminded myself as I walked into the entrance.